Conception
by Cats070911
Summary: Lafferty lets Barbara's secret slip to Lynley who's reaction leads to an unexpected realisation.


**Author's note:** Once again I have borrowed Tommy and Barbara from Elizabeth George and the BBC. I had some unexpected time and a germ of an idea which although is a highly unlikely scenario in many ways made me curious to explore how my incarnations of the characters would react.

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The chill of the evening made the small group hurry along the footpath towards the welcoming red entrance of the Rose and Crown. The pub was always crowded and tonight its roaring open fire warmed the oak beams just enough to give off a faint scent of an ancient forest. The dull hum of muted conversations coming from the green upholstered booths that lined the walls was the bass to the treble laughter of young ladies trying to sound genuine as they chortled insincerely at the unfunny joke of the hunting males trying desperately to win their affections. Tonight as they entered Detective Inspector Tommy Lynley found the crowd and the fugginess oppressive. He had wanted to go with his partner, Detective Sergeant Havers, to their usual pub which was far less pretentious in both style and clientele. Barbara however had promised to go out with the pathologist, Stuart Lafferty and Winston and had dragged Lynley reluctantly along.

He and Lafferty weaved their way through the writhing groups of men and women towards a table at the back, furthest away from the noise. Barbara and Nkata had offered to run the gauntlet at the bar to buy their drinks and Tommy wished he had asked for double whiskey instead of a pint. It was going to be a long and noisy night.

"Cheer up," Lafferty said, "our company can't be that hard to bear."

"It's not that; I just don't like the noise," Tommy lied, disliking everything about the pub. Even more he hated that he had to share Barbara with the others.

"So what do you think of Barbara's plan?" Lafferty looked unpleasantly self-satisfied. Lynley liked Stuart but resented his confidence and rapport with Barbara.

"What plan is that Stuart?" Tommy really had little interest in playing guessing games.

"To have a baby."

Lynley felt as if Lafferty had just slapped him. "To have a what?" he spluttered.

"A baby. She has asked me to be the father. Sorry, I assumed you knew."

"No. Why would she tell me something like that?" he replied sardonically. Tommy was devastated that Barbara had not told him but as he processed the fact that she had asked Stuart to be the father he felt physically ill.

"Well you two are partners and I assumed she would have asked you too."

"No. It seems my bloodline is not suitable to father her child!" He sounded resentful and Stuart looked perplexed. Lynley stood and said, "anyway it is too crowded in here. I'm going home. Good night Stuart." Tommy pushed angrily through the crowd avoiding the bar and any chance of encountering Barbara.

The drive home was a blur. He was livid and could not help but feel betrayed. Not only had she selected the Irish pathologist as the father, she had not even mentioned her desire for children to him. Raising a child as a single mother with no family support was a big step and he wondered if she had thought this through fully. What was motivating it? He had thought that she had found balance in her life. She had told him once that in their relationship she had found something to keep her going everyday and now suddenly it was not sufficient. Suddenly being his partner was not enough; suddenly he was not enough. _Why doesn't she want me to be the father?_ He could understand the problems if would cause but to not even ask him or discuss it with him disappointed him beyond reason. He wanted to beat or kick something but he feared if he started he might wreck his entire house before he felt any calmer.

Tommy drank more and more whiskey as he brooded over the news and its implications_. What am I going to do without her?_ The thought of not having Barbara by his side everyday terrified him. _She seems to have forgotten about me in all this!_ He was haunted by visions of her in bed with Lafferty. The thought of her sleeping with anyone abhorred him. He had never slept with her or even kissed her but he had certainly thought about it. He had resisted because he had come to understand that his impulsive behaviours led him into trouble. They had been spending more and more time together and were rapidly approaching a line in the sand. Tommy wanted to be sure that what he felt was more than a passing desire before they crossed it but now he had discovered she had been lusting after Lafferty he felt used. The more he tried to analyse it the more he drank and the more morose he became as he realised there was only one reason he was so affected, he was in love with her. He wondered why he had not understood that before. If he had he would have acted sooner and maybe he would now be upstairs making love to her instead of seeking oblivion in a bottle. He mulled over the repercussions of his discovery until finally around four o'clock he fell into a fitful sleep filled with violent and macabre nightmares.

The next morning he could not face Barbara, he was still too upset at the thought of her with Lafferty to think or speak rationally. He stayed in his office with the door closed and left strict instructions that he was not to be disturbed by anyone. The very air around him had seemed to crackle with rage and wisely everyone had heeded his request. His head throbbed and the paracetamol he had gulped down had made no impression so he sat at his desk and stared aimlessly at the slight crack in the plaster above the door.

Barbara was still concerned that Lynley had left the pub without a word and when she arrived to be told of his rage her fear that she had somehow displeased him was instantly confirmed.

"He's in one of his moods Barbara," Detective Constable Nkata warned her, "one of his special 'I could kill Havers moods!"

"But I haven't done anything," she said totally confused, "he was fine when you and I went to get drinks and gone by the time we got back. Lafferty had no clues."

"Stuart must know something. He seemed nervous to me." Winston replied. He suspected Lafferty may have told Lynley about their conversation the other night when Barbara had suggested one of them could help her have a child. Winston had had no interest; it would be far too obvious if he was the father, which would be too awkward for them both, but Lafferty surprised him by agreeing instantly.

"I think I should just go into the monster's lair and find out. I'm sure it is just a silly misunderstanding." Havers walked towards his office portraying a confidence she did not feel. They had been getting on much better lately and fighting a lot less. They had become very comfortable with each other and she was disappointed things seemed to have reverted. She took a deep breath and knocked on his door.

"I said I didn't want to be disturbed and I bloody well meant it!" Lynley shouted back.

Undeterred Barbara opened the door and went in. "I don't care. You are in a mood about something and before you tear the office apart I think we should talk about it."

"Oh so now you want to talk! A bit late don't you think?" Lynley stood with such fury that his chair shot backwards and clanged against the wall. His face was red and his head seemed to splinter into a thousand shards of pain. He fixed his eyes on Barbara with the same steely look a lion gives its prey immediately before seizing its throat and tearing the life from it.

Barbara was bewildered by the hurt in his eyes and for the first time was physically afraid of Lynley. She considered retreating but needed to know what she had done that had made him so distraught. "Sir, I have no idea why you are so upset, so yes I think we should talk. It would be much more constructive than you shouting at me."

"How can you not know? Lafferty was so smug when he told me about your cosy little plan. I can't believe you are sleeping with _him_ of all people and that you want to have _his_ child." Tommy was still shouting as he walked around the desk to stand in front of her. It gave him a brief flush of pleasure to know that the rest of the office could probably hear him. He hoped they gossiped about her and her stupid liaison.

Barbara could have strangled Stuart. She had wanted to tell Lynley in her own way, in her own time. She knew he would be hurt to learn about it this way. "Firstly we are not sleeping together and I have no intention of sleeping with him," she shouted back. Somewhat sheepishly she added, "I was going to use other means."

"It's a child Havers not a racehorse! A child should be born out of an act of love not created in doctor's clinic!" Tommy was no longer yelling and sat on the edge of the desk so his eyes were level with hers.

"I wasn't going to use a clinic. It's too expensive and too impersonal." Barbara was angry that she had to justify her actions to Lynley.

Tommy snorted. "Listen to yourself Havers, don't you see how ridiculous that sounds? How will you tell your child they were conceived by a turkey baster? You deserve better and so does any child."

"I don't exactly have many choices do I! I didn't want a stranger to be the father. I wanted someone I knew and cared about."

Tommy was angry again. He stood and paced around the room but never took his eyes from her. "You never asked me to be the father! I thought I might have been someone you cared about."

"You are but it made no sense asking you."

"Why? Does an Earl fathering your child go against all your working class principles? Or is it just the thought of the product of my inbred aristocratic seed growing inside you that you find revolting?"

"Now who's being ridiculous?"

"From here it's still you. You're making a fool of yourself and if you think I'll be around to pick up the pieces you are sadly mistaken!"

Barbara's face contorted into a snarl. "What makes you think I need you? I've picked up enough of your pieces over time to have had enough practice to manage by myself. Oh, and you're right, I wouldn't want you as the father in case there was any chance the child might turn out to be as arrogant and self-righteous as you!" She gave him one last look of contempt and thundered from his office cursing him. Fortunately his door had strong hinges or it might not have survived when she flung it open then slammed it shut.

Barbara sat quietly for a few minutes in a cubicle in the Ladies as she gathered her thoughts. In hindsight Lynley's reaction was predictable and she regretted not discussing it with him before speaking to anyone else. Even though she loved children her desire to be a mother was only a recent urge, perhaps prompted by the realization that things were changing. Tommy had been more balanced lately and needed her less. One day soon he would find someone to love and she would be alone. She berated herself for being selfish and worried that she would never be able to regain Lynley's trust. He was a proud man who valued loyalty and honesty above almost anything and she had been found wanting on both counts. He would never understand she had been trying to protect him. His friendship meant the world to her. They had survived a lot of arguments before but she had never let him down as she had now. Barbara did the only thing she could that would help in any way. She headed to the morgue to disembowel Lafferty.

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Lynley remained locked in his office until after everyone had gone home. Escaping people had been easy but avoiding his thoughts had been impossible. When she had rushed from his office he had wanted to follow her but he had not even tried. He knew what he wanted to say but he had not known how to say it. He needed time to adjust to the idea and had sat all day staring at the perforated ceiling tiles contemplating the best way to repair his relationship.

The drive to her flat was quick at this time of night. The peak hour traffic had subsided and his only challenge was finding parking. It was just after eight o'clock when he knocked on her door. He anticipated that she would be reluctant to talk to him and he was more anxious than he had expected. His heart rate was higher than normal and his hands were clammy. He had rehearsed all afternoon what he was going to say but standing here on her step his courage was deserting him.

Barbara too was nervous. When Tommy had not contacted her all day she had begun to fret. Her worst fear was losing his respect. She had been in the hall pulling on her coat to go over and make peace when she heard the knock. She knew it was him but the fear of not seeing him was instantly replaced by the trepidation of what to say.

The door swung open slowly and before Barbara could speak Tommy had pushed past her into her flat, not taking any chances that she would slam the door in his face. Despite his concerns he was still a gentleman. "Sorry to barge in but I was worried you might shut the door on me and we have to talk whether we want to or not," he said firmly. Tommy looked at her and noticed her coat hanging oddly with one sleeve hanging loosely by her side. "Did you just get in?"

"No, I was just about to head over to your place. I wanted to apologise." Barbara was clearly embarrassed and quickly removed her coat.

Tommy was still standing in the hall and when she closed the door they were standing uncomfortably close. "No need, it is me who should apologize. I had no right to behave like that. I was jealous and possessive and so focused on myself that I didn't even try to understand your point of view. I thought we could talk about anything to each other so I was gutted when I heard. I don't know what was worse, not being told or not being asked to be the father."

"Why don't we sit down? I'll get us a drink." Barbara tried to shepherd him into the lounge but he was not budging, trapping her between the door and hall stand.

"Not until you tell me why, if you wanted a child so badly, you couldn't confide in me." His voice was even but it was hard to disguise the bitterness and hurt.

"I was too ashamed to tell you," Barbara blurted out. "I didn't want your pity. I thought if I told you after the event then you would be more understanding. If I could have had you as the father don't you think I would?"

"I don't see why you couldn't. At least the child would have two parents who love each other." Tommy turned and slipping off his coat sat on her couch. Barbara stared at him then followed him. She sat on the arm of the armchair opposite hoping the height advantage would make her appear more in control.

"It's because I care so much about you I couldn't ask." She did not want to tell him the truth but had little choice. "It wouldn't work, you would never be able to let go. You'd want to be involved with the child and all the decisions. 'Uncle Tommy' would buy endless presents or reserve a place in some exclusive school and expect me to give them up to live the life you would want them to lead. You might even pay off my mortgage thinking it would make it easier for me. I'd feel like a mistress without any of the physical benefits. Then one day you'd marry and have a family of your own and you would disappear from our lives."

Tommy interjected, "do you really believe I am so shallow that I would abandon my child?" He sat back on the sofa and folded his arms protectively across his chest.

"You couldn't acknowledge them once you have a legitimate family of your own. What if it was a boy? By rights he would be born to be the next Earl but you could never have a bastard take the title so you would have to pretend he didn't exist and I couldn't bear that and I doubt you could either." Tommy grimaced but did not reply. "And if he looks like you not only do I have to see you in him every day of my life and be reminded that you are off somewhere with another family, but he might suddenly realize 'Uncle Tommy' the Earl is actually Daddy and resent that I can't give him the life he should have been born to lead. So no, I never asked because it would be far too hard for all of us." Barbara was struggling hard not to cry. She would like nothing more than for him to father her child but it would be unfair on all of them.

He knew she was right; he would want to look after her and the child. He always wanted to look after Barbara and he had always assumed she would be there with him for rest of their lives. The bitterness in Lynley's voice faded to sorrow. "You're right about me in one way; I would look after you and our child but I would never abandon either of you because of my title. You should know that. I thought you were content with your life. You never said you wanted a child but you'd make a wonderful mother," he said quietly.

"I am satisfied but it won't stay like this forever will it? I'll be forty in a few years so do not have much time left for children and each day that passes gets closer to when you will remarry and have your own family. You'll move on and I will have nothing. It sounds lame when I say it out loud but I don't want to spend my life alone without someone to love." Barbara was losing her fight to control her emotions and tears began to pour from her eyes. "I'm sorry; it was only an idea that got out of hand. I never meant to hurt you Sir."

Tommy stood and wrapped his arms around Barbara and pulled her close. The tears that soaked his shirt felt like acid on his skin knowing that he had caused her pain. He laid his face gently on her head and whispered soothingly, "It's alright Barbara; I'm not going to leave you. I'm sorry. I've been unfair to you. I've taken you for granted and assumed you were happy with what we have now."

"It's not your fault Sir." Barbara straightened and pushed away from him sniffing and wiping furiously at her eyes. "I'm fine. Sorry and I won't pursue the idea I promise."

"But I want you to Barbara. I want you to be the mother of my children and I want them conceived in the traditional way thank you very..."

Barbara stared at him dumbfounded. "You want me to become your mistress?"

Tommy laughed. "No. If you let me finish, I was going to say I want you to become my wife."

"You what?" Barbara's knees went from under her and she collapsed onto to sofa. The myriad of conflicting thoughts in her head collided and made her feel faint.

Tommy understood her confusion. He knelt down on one knee in the traditional pose and took one of her hands in his. With the other he gently lifted her face so she was looking at him. His face was lit with a huge cheeky grin but as he spoke his face morphed into his most serious expression. "It took this to shake me up a bit but I would have done this eventually. Barbara Havers would you do me the very great honour of becoming my wife?"

The stunned look on her face made him grin again and Barbara's turmoil multiplied when Tommy leant in and kissed her. It was tender and affectionate and genuine. Barbara was uneasy that this was happening but as his kiss became more ardent she was unable to ignore years of longing for him to touch her. Her arms came up to embrace him and she responded to him with unrestrained passion. She could never say yes, but she was ecstatic that he had asked.

Tommy's mood had been soft and very loving but her answering kiss now electrified him. He had spent the afternoon focused on their understanding and unwavering support of each other as the basis for their relationship and had not thought about any physical aspects. He had wanted to kiss her before but now as she ran her hand through his hair he desired her more than he had ever wanted any woman. He moaned involuntarily and pressed her back into the couch as he climbed up to lie beside her. She was trying to speak and he knew instinctively she was going to say no so he kept his mouth over hers determined to kiss her into submission.

Barbara's resolve was fading. Lying next to him felt natural and she sensed they were both discovering the depth and nature of their true feelings. She felt surrounded by his love and by the way he was kissing her she knew he too had at last found a home for his heart. She surrendered to her yearning once more before stopping him. "We can't marry Sir, your family won't approve and I am not capable of mixing in your social set. I want to marry you more than anything but I am not going to let you ruin your life for me."

"You will only ruin it by not marrying me. My family will approve because I will be happy and as for that other nonsense I don't care. We can be recluses if we need to be. Most of them are only interested in my chequebook so if I make the right donations no one will even notice I'm not there. And if you think I will miss all that, think again. Why do you think I am in the police service if I wanted to play the lord of the manor?"

"What about the children?"

"They will grow up in a house where they have a loving mother and a devoted father who dote on each other and them. What more can they want?" Tommy kissed her again. "I have been sitting thinking about this all day; I have an answer for every protest you can come up with so just trust me, trust yourself and trust in us and we will be fine."

She relaxed into his embrace and sighed suspecting that the decision had already been made. "Yes Sir."

"Tommy. It's yes Tommy."

"You win, yes Tommy."

He grinned at her and squeezed her so hard she let out a delighted squeal. "We must visit Lafferty tomorrow and thank him."


End file.
